Bert the Magic Bicycle

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Bert the Bicycle

Each night Alan would ride up to the garage doors with a BROOOM, BROOOM, and put the scooter away for the night in the garage.
Bert was glad when the scooter came home because the scooter, whose name was Sam, would tell him everything he had done that day.
Sam told Bert about all the traffic, the bright friendly buses, telegraph-poles, telephone-boxes, and some creatures who Bert had never heard of, who seemed to have a very busy job, traffic lights.
Listening to Sam, made Bert wish he was free, and because he was kept locked up, he cried.

Sam tried to comfort him "BROOOM, BROOOM," he said softly. (Most scooters start off their conversations this way, just listen next time you hear one.)

"Don't cry, perhaps one day the master will decide to sell you.
You might find a new master who would look after you, and take you for rides."

Bert wiped the tears from his eyes, and looked at himself.
His tyres were flat, his back one had a puncture in it.
His rims were rusty and covered with mud.
His chain had fallen off and his mud-guards were broken.
"Sam, just look at me." Bert said starting to cry again.
"No-one would buy me the state I'm in."
Sam, who was washed, polished each week and was well fed with "2" Stroke (a scooter's favourite dish) did not know what to say.
"I hope you find a new home." said Sam yawning and with that they both went off to sleep.

Sam dreamed about motorways because he enjoyed those and he had a good friend who was a sign on the M-6.
Bert dreamed of the open road, it had been years since he had seen a pillar box or a bus.
 
 
 
 
 

Bert goes on a journey

Bert woke early the following morning, which was a Saturday, and it was a good thing he had because at 9 o'clock the garage doors were flung wide open and the sun streamed in.
The master stood in the doorway.

Bert said bye-bye to Sam because he expected Sam was going to be taken out for a run.

Bert was surprised when the master came in and wheeled him out instead of Sam.

Bert wondered where he was being taken.
He just had time to say Goodbye to Sam and Sam wished him all the best.

Bert was wheeled round to the back of the house and leaned against the kitchen wall.

The master pumped up Bert's front tyre.
Bert felt better already.

Bert had his back wheel pulled out and his puncture patched up.
A good wash all over with warm soapy water and his bearings oiled and Bert felt like a new bicycle.
Bert enjoyed his ride later that morning.
The master rode Bert over to one of his friend's house.
The friend, who was called John, handed some money over and John had a new bicycle and Bert had a new master and was free.

Bert meets the Telephone Box

The next week-end John had some shopping to do, so he fastened a large bag to the bicycle to the bicycle and set off.
The roads were busy, the cars whizzed by sounding their horns.
"Out of the way shrimp, I'm late for work," shouted Terry, a grinning large black Taxi.

"Don't call me a shrimp," replied Bert ringing his bell.
"Keep over on the left then out of my way. Wait ! You're Sam's friend Bert.

He has told me about you.

Are you enjoying yourself now you are with your new master ?" enquired Terry.

"I am, I'm not used to the busy roads though," said Bert.
"Try and keep off the main roads if you can.
If you are ever lost ask Tina to send for Terry, that's my name," said Terry.

"Why who is Tina ?" asked Bert.

But before Bert could hear a reply, terry sounding his horn roared off in a cloud of blue exhaust smoke.
John had stopped at the junction waiting for a gap in the traffic to cross when a scooter came up on his right.
"Hi John, this is better than pedalling," said his friend Alan opening his throttle, brooom, Brooom, BROOOM, and as they talked Bert had time to talk to Sam.
"I'm tired out this morning," said Sam panting.
"He's had me going at 45 m.p.h up the very steep Manor Hill, I wish I could potter along like you.

Did Terry talk to you ?" he said and then continued without waiting for a reply.
"He was probably telling you about Tina."

But before Bert could get in his question "Who's Tina ?"
Sam with a BROOOM, BROOOM roared away.
John had to go into the post office so he leaned Bert against the telephone box outside, and vent into the post office.
Bert was quite tired so he decided to have a quick nap.
He was just dropping off to sleep when he heard a noise "Brr....Brr....BrrBrr.... ," it sounded.
"Who is that waking me up ?" asked Bert sleepily.
"I will not have people leaning on me and the snoring you were doing was distracting me from my very important work," the voice said sternly.

Bert looked all around him, but he could see no-one.
"It's me speaking," said the telephone box.
"I'm called Tina."

Bert and Tina

"I've had a busy morning, I've had a queue of people wanting to telephone.

I had someone ringing their brother in a place in Wales.... and the lady ringing her aunt in Oswaldtwistle and I'll have you know someone asked me to get through to Geneva in Switzerland. That shows how much people think of me, giving me an important job like that," she said chattering away.
"I'm sure you must hear some interesting stories," said Bert keenly interested.

"Oh I do, but I have to keep everything I hear secret, I can't tell anyone," she said sadly.

Before John came out of the post office though Bert had found out that the brother in Wales had just finished sheep shearing, the aunt in Oswaldtwistle would be visiting the town, and the school children who were on holiday in Geneva were having a wonderful time.

Bert thought to himself "I don't think Tina could keep a secret." (Have you ever tried to keep a secret then ended telling it ?")
When they got home, Bert told John all that had happened, then rode up and down the street ringing his bell. John had to run after him to catch him.
 
 
 
 
 

Bert and the Traffic Lights

It was a nice sunny day the next time John took Bert out for a ride. They were enjoying themselves so much going up hills and then going even faster down hills.

They were going so fast that they did not notice that the traffic lights  ahead were on red.

John pulled hard on the brakes and Bert just managed to stop.
"If you had gone past me I would have been very cross," said the traffic lights.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said Bert.

"My name is Roger, I'm always here, I enjoy it though all the friends I see," the traffic lights replied.
"Why look who is coming now," he continued.
A large grey Rolls-Royce pulled up at the traffic lights.
"That's Sir Reginald Smith-Mainwaring," whispered Roger.
"Good morning Sir Reginald," said Roger very politely and bowing.
"A beautiful day for a drive, Roger" said Reginald.
"And who is your friend ?" he continued squinting at Bert through his monocle.

Bert goes a ride on his own

Bert enjoyed himself going for rides and seeing his friends, but he wanted to go a ride on his own.
Bert knew that John would not let him go.
He had told him that people might get frightened if they saw a bicycle coming towards them with no-one in the saddle.
Bert waited till John had gone out one day then he opened the back door and looked outside to see if anyone was there.
No one was around so he rode away down the street.
The sun was shining brightly and because he was happy he started to sing to himself ringing his bell.
"Hello, look at me !" he shouted as he passed Terry.
"Come back Bert, you'll get lost." replied Terry with surprise.
But Bert took no notice and laughed and carried on.
Bert was naughty, he rode on the pavements and across a Zebra crossing  when someone was on it.

People shouted at him and ran after him, but he just went faster and they gave over chasing him.

He met Roger just as he was changing to red and Bert had to stop.
"Where are you going in such a hurry ?" asked Roger.
"I don't know," said Bert, and he didn't, he was enjoying himself so much.

Roger changed to green and Bert pedalled off.
He went up and down hills and along country lanes till he was tired out.

He lay down on the grass by the side of the road and fell fast asleep.

He had a strange dream he was being chased by a lot of people waving their fists and shouting "Come back Bert !"
He woke as he felt someone lift him up.
He opened his eyes, it was a policeman.
How could John explain to the policeman who had knocked on his door, and had returned Bert, how he had got so far from home ?
"Someone must have stolen it, then left it," he said.
"Yes that must be it," said the policeman.
But you and I know different.
John told Bert how naughty he had been to run away.
John told Bert that if he behaved he would be taken to see the procession, but that's another story.
 
 
 
 
 

Bert and the Procession

Bert decided to behave so that he would be allowed to see the procession.

On the day of the procession Bert thought that John had forgotten about the procession, so he decided to remind him.
"I was just wondering if we would be seeing the procession today ?" he said quietly.

"I'd completely forgotten," John replied, looking at his watch.
"It's nearly time so we must hurry."
So they hurried up, but when they reached the Town Hall it was so crowded that John and Bert could not see any of the rows of soldiers on parade in the square.
"Come on, you can squeeze through here to have a look," a man said to John, "but you'll have to put your bicycle down."
So John laid Bert down and squeezed to the front of the crowd.
Bert was sad that he could not see over the crowd, it was then he heard.
"Toot, Toot."

So he looked up and saw Terry the Taxi parked alongside the kerb.
"Come over here Bert, you can see the procession from here."
So Bert went over, and looked at the line after line of soldiers in dark green uniforms with rifles on their shoulders.
The band were playing a lively tune so Bert decided to ring his bell to show how much he was enjoying it.
"Ding, Ding.....Ding, Ding," he said.
A sleek white MG sports car in front of Terry said.
"Be quiet, I'm trying to listen... and anyhow here comes the Mayor."

Terry nudged Bert, "That's Monty, he's a bit grumpy in the morning Look who is coming now", he said whispering.

A grey Rolls-Royce drove slowly into the square, it was Reginald.
"Well hello there Monty," he said to Monty.
They knew each other well, they usually went on their holidays to the same place Monte Carlo.
"Hi Regie," Monte replied.
"Hello Sir Reginald," Terry and Bert said.
"Hello Terry, Bert fancy seeing you here."
Sir Reginald Smith-Mainwaring stopped, the chauffeur William got out and opened the door for the Mayor and Mayoress to get out of the car.

They mounted the platform, the Mayor made a long speech and presented the Captain of the Regiment of soldiers with a scroll called the "Freedom of the Borough" a great honour for the soldiers.
The band started up again and the soldiers marched off.
Bert had enjoyed himself that morning.
He was not going to take any notice of Monty.
"Ding Ding..... Ding Ding" he rang his bell.
Monty turned round and scowled, but Terry grinning sounded his horn.
 
 
 
 
 

Bert and the Cycle Rally I

John had a habit of not telling Bert everything he was going to do, he used to keep some things secret.
Bert knew John did this for one of two reasons either he had a pleasant surprise in store or else John wanted Bert to do something he would not enjoy.

Bert thought something unpleasant was in store when he saw John reading through a book called the "Highway Code" and then John told him, they were going to enter a Cycle Rally.
"What's a Cycle Rally ?" asked Bert.
"Well, the one we are entering is to test how good we are at riding along the roads.... you know how busy the roads are," replied John.

"Don't I know how busy they are," said Bert.
Bert was quite interested now, he enjoyed competitions and he would meet some of his other friends who were bicycles.
"When is it ?" continued Bert.

"Well, I didn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to worry you, but it is this afternoon."
Bert was worried, a shudder ran right down his tubes to his cotter pins.

"But I'm not ready, I haven't practised," Bert said nervously.
"Ah, but we'll have a practice," said John, setting out some bricks in the quiet road outside the house.
You should have seen Bert trying to weave in and out between the bricks, he did not do very well the first few times, but he soon picked up the idea.
He was ready now for the Cycle Rally.
 
 
 
 
 

Bert and the Cycle Rally II

Bert had never seen as many bicycles as he saw that afternoon in the town hall square and the noise they were making was deafening.

He knew some of the bicycles but many he had never seen before.
He was just viewing the scene and John was talking to some of the other cyclists, when he heard someone calling him.
"Do you think you will win Bert ?"

It was Susanne the Small-wheeled bicycle, cleaned up and smart for the big occasion.

"I don't know, how about you Susanne ?" enquired Bert.
"I don't think so, I get so frightened with these busy roads
I shouldn't have bothered to come," replied Susanne nervously.
"I think all of you have wasted your time coming, because I am going to win," said a tall bicycle, quite impressive with his ten speed deraileur gears and flashy handlebars.
"A foreigner I think, definitely a show-off," thought Bert.
"My name is Pierre, you'll have heard of me," the tall foreigner spoke with a French accent.

"I won last year's "Tour de France".... so I'm sure to win this little rally",

He elbowed his way past Susanne knocking her into Bert and made his way to the starting line.
"Take no notice of him," said Susanne.
"He may think he will win, but being fast is no advantage, it is whether you are a safe cyclist and the bicycle is well maintained."
And that made Bert determined to win.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bert and the Cycle Rally III

Bert and John had to follow a set route round the town observing all the traffic signs, stopping at junctions and making the correct hand signals when turning.

John kept up a good speed and when he got half way round he met Roger the traffic lights.

"Hello Bert," he whispered, "Don't try to sneak past me on yellow, because they are watching you over there," he continued, pointing to a white MG sports car parked further down the road.
It was Monty, and inside there were two men with pens and score-cards.

Monty had a sly grin on his grille as if he was intent on getting his own back on Bert for ringing his bell.
Bert waited for Roger's green mouth to light up before he started off and continued to the big roundabout.
Oh dear, the traffic was coming all ways, but John saw it was clear before riding on to it, and soon they had completed the course.
Bert manoeuvred round the bricks laid out in the square and John answered his questions on the Highway Code.
While they were waiting for the results, Bert had an opportunity to talk to the other bicycles.

"Have you heard what's happened to Pierre ?" a crowd of bicycles asked Bert.

"No, what's happened ?"

"Well when we passed Peter the pillar box, he told us that Pierre, the show-off, took a bend too fast and skidded into Monty, that smart MG."
"How is he ?" enquired Bert shocked.

Monty wasn't too pleased with the dented door he received in the crash.

Hey look ! the judges are coming back, we'll find out who won."
they said.

Bert received the prize for second place, a new front light, but who do you think won first prize of the silver cup ?
Why it was Susanne, the small wheeled bicycle, she'd been one of the last to return from the rally but she had ridden the safest.
 
 

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Author  M.Fowler  June 1997
 

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